Our part

The bygone days we cherish and relish
Fights for the unseen unknown till we perish.
All well written and said long before
We just be in there for the part to play.

Touch of youth

The touch of youth is soft and subtle
It’s also have the shade of impiety and rudeness
Both the tones show fear and apprehension
That makes the mistaken part on its own

Love of the mother and yearn for the lover
One set to grow in the arms of the beloved
Most of it are unseen and forgotten often
The transit through it is painful and dreaded

Looks at all the newly lit lamp and oil it
As though you are the one who is desperate
Many a look I had in all but you
Now I use all the might to adore you

The touch of youth had it all in its part
Without which we never share the good
All be in my state I shall declare
I see all of that will be there again

We know it all

A worthy while that was before us
The golden light of five yet to come
Time stood tall, hailed as we passed
Silent the flowers flared with sunlight.

Trusted and hoped, no sings of decay
Those charming moments that cherish
The sound of pantheon church bells
Made a note to pause and leap back.

Share the joy of love and odium
Long before shades of gray lost
Yellow and yellow blossoms on
The pure heart that grieves for more

Shallow the thoughts that cherished
With all those who grew up together
Not seen, touched and heard for long
The memories were to be put together.

Time

who has life peruse the past and future
strive for the fortunes of life so great
looks for the better half so better to be
all the shine be in his part not to part
wish and exert for all the he dreams
tries and tries with no fear of defeat
sees though the hour glass that pours
old he becomes the more he yearns
be the genius he becomes and matures
all the past he lost in the time lost
he who creates the one to follow him
of all the wealth he possess of gold
that time takes it all in its grasp.

stranger

The smile and warmth that spreads on you
The soft and tender hands that holds you
The way your needs are being fulfilled
The shoulder that you rests your head
The loving gestures you longed for
All well lived as you liked and wished
Now find it difficult to try and reach
All left , memories wet and smudged
I portrayed you as a familiar stranger
Life has gone too restive that I lost you.

Rest in peace

Never that be my own, all have to have theirs too
Of all the fears in this silly world it never subsides
All dreams of the wonders that comes in a lifetime
Dreams but one that all have to confide and live forever
The memory of the one who was there and left
Immortal are the only things that you live on
The mountains the river that greens and the sea
The rains the sun and moon and earthy bonds
Where you will be is there in the heart of your love
In there your love look fresh as the morning dew
Staying still in the heaven of hearts your warmth
Be it the moment that love to cherish after you die
Never to be felt and seen, but to remain still in gratitude
You live forever and ever not on earth but in its crust.
The beauty of life you sow will grow in the family
Resting place is in there not in the tomb made for you.

My Shadow

Walked towards the sea and looked
as far as I could into the horizon
I can see the fiery ball far away
the amber light the glitter in the sea
The change of ambiance as
the wind pushed the clouds past the blue sky
As I stood still and straight with
a deep hollowness in my eyes
The dark blanket of night came
to remind that its dusk not dawn
All the dreams in my eyes
blown away by the wind of shadow
My faith that lifted my dreams with
the kindness of a glorious past
The feelings buried, the regret,
the pain, the anguish and the hate
All covered by the soft silky smile
which came to stay from nowhere
Covered up myself with
The shell of my dreams and fragrance of my love
the love to be shared
I can see the brightness in my eyes .

pursuit

I looked at everything, searched for the words
A little something I can hold of to express myself
My eyes were shut I was in my mind lost
Gone all the things I possessed, but never left
All those things we shared, those moments
Past present and was in my eyes dark and empty
Well set to conquer the dream of my life alone
Lost all those things I wandered to gather
It was a split second I tried to open it all
Deep down the lanes I shut myself in
All I tried not to be heard, all to be lonely
Curious, inside the walls trembled wildly
I felt the vibes, and I found myself in sleep
Deep gone my thoughts, and back to cage
Aspired I would have completed my pursuit.

yeas to come

The sun with your ever-glowing body
Can you see all what I can see
The moon so dark and far
Can u see the sparkles from the stars?

You grow wild and wild spitting fires
Cannot reach the gentle sheet of green
Dark you grow sharing the soft light
Can only glow when a help given.

The deep you go the wild u become
All awaits for the light you shed.
The thin you become the light you reflects
The blue spread all changes as you do.

The radiance, glory, and warmth you show
You be the center of everything I know
The reflection, he gives and you grin
You not the center, living in clan

I sat here looking up to you forever
Through the clouds you look as life
I dream of love that resembles you
Seen with the more romantic of stars.

All the energy you have is for us
things you have given are perceived
All the glitter you possess are for us
That’s for sure, for the years to come.

genisis

They are bound to make the difference
Their voice deep, strident and well perceived
They make the massive foundation of mankind
The rules are made with their bursting decisions
The empty spaces are all with them and their virtues
Filled with virtual particles created and found by them.
They create the magnetic field, which form the center
And would rotate with the spiraling matter it attracts.
It wipes the furrows on this uneven earth with warmth
God bid him to speak for, till the dust he would be
The universe was made emancipation his soul to another
That life sustains itself from within to change a belief
It takes a warm-hearted man, to move the multitude.
He learned, through doubt and fear, and matured
Shared the state of forgiveness in his hands
Lived we sometimes to be seen and heard and touched.
Where are we in between, as well said and thought
Our life is what happens as they move making other plans.

My eyes despised the very view of your eyes
Even with that I pleased to have something
Special were those moments that touched me

So rude were the feeling I had for that instant

Deep drawn desire ended in a tasteless scent

Delighted were those, who got in its senses

My proud heart fell for those pains of sin

Yet to be sensed all that in with his eyes

Any feast that could happen to, is desired

My helpless heart strikes hard to serve you.

all alone

ALL ALONE

Deep down the empty lanes I used to walk
The green grass the dry leaves and the air
The birds hopped around to the pleasure
The deep blue sky shine with the rays
The moving clouds that are calm and quiet
All has life but could not measure the thoughts
All I could hear in the idleness of my tears
Is my heart, which is desires for a surprise
As the rose choked in the grass and the buddy
Twigs that raise to get the ray of light to fall
I desired and screamed to get the attention
But my voice were lost in the silence of my heart
As the flow of music to an unlistening street

cross my mind

yesterday too i met one old class met , as usual i didnt had anyting to ask, but well thats not the case with every class met or school mates . but the usual wide smile and hi and bye. she herself was in a hurry , i really thanked GOD. only in these few occations i rem GOD , while outside.
i keep a different persona while going out, very frigid in my attitude, has to get over it .i can be as superficial at times. very bad me. no one ever touched my mind. i have to think . i am too colourful for my age that becomes a problem while meeting old school mates.
will see what happens.

All over again

Oh my gosh , not again, how many times i start a blog and leave it half way, i dont have anything to write. i am too much back to my shell so that no one can pich my tacitunity. i dont know how to get rid of it all over again. i am still trying. how many a times shall i pinch. its reallu began to hurt. not much to write i am waiting to have a topic of course other than myself.

the Wall

Today I met my dear friend Binoy, who used to stay at the house opposite mine. After he moved to his new house i havent met him that much just for weddings and other occations only. but is somewhat dear to me, or dearer than his sister. today he is the proud fater of two daughters. and in the little chat he told that how naughty these kids were at home and dirtying all the wall. 

so whats so peculier about it, its the usual thing to do of the kids of that age.

really?? i was wondering, how being the lover of paints i never got to draw even a dot on my walls. I think I never didnt had the thought that I could ever use the wall as a canvas. Why me my brother too wodent have done that. I am not sure if we were doing the right thing by not dritying the place around. As far as i can remember my mother werent that strict on us as she herself had load of work to complete in those days. so y arent we thinking of drawing on the wall?

I hear my mom saying proudly to her friends that we as kids were quite nice , never made fights in front of her , both doing ttheir own stuff in the same room very quietly.

y were we so? my brother was born that way immense love for his mother, he didnt even sleep until mom completes all her job at home. he waits so camly and wont even sleep as i fell asleep always. 

so things silly as this we havent experienced as kids , feel bad. I think it was just our love for mom that we both didnt wanted to bother mom. feel good. 

The Kathakali effect

For quite some time I had the wish to watch live Kathakali. I wasn’t sure , if I would be able to enjoy that or not as I had no idea about it at all. All I seen them in films and ads. Really felt bad. I had the opportunity to watch one in cochin, promoted by a group of kathakali lovers , six of them. I wonder do they really formed the art group for the sake of it or for something else, ok leave it.

 I had the desire and time to watch one so I decided to go for it. I went in took the ticket for 400 rupees and they told me the show will begin by 5 30 in the evening, I did some bird watching and came back by 6 pm. the stage was all set but not for performance but for the make up and as audience a bunch of foreigners. I felt so strange and happy too that I am not the only illiterate in this art.

 Thy have lighted up a vilakku with incandescent lamp and did the face make up and people were all around to see how they do and what color and materials they use for make up and what make up goes for what kind of character.  People awed to know that its all organic. I felt too boring and was thinking what will the story will be and how will I know who is who in makeup.

 

The makeup got over in an hour and they lighted the vilakku to create the feel and mood for the katha. One guy came up and announced that the story is of “Dussasana Vadam”  and that for the people to understand the form better they will be demonstrating the “RASA” as in face expressions, some movements as in the “PADAs” and a small workshop to demonstrate what movement meant what , that we should also perform on stage.

While they setup the stage they gave us the story in a sheet of paper. it was about dussasana vadam, how he trochered panchali, her appeal to Krishna and eventually how bhima kills dussasana.

Oh even I don’t rem the story clearly even today.

The interaction part was really good and I enjoyed most of it some of them got to scream like bhima and fight with the wooden gadha.

 The guy dressed up in panchali came over and showed the rasa, no one looked at the ranam everyone clicked so do I. then he told about the actions and mudras that they will be using in this part and some dailoges which every one participated. Like how to scream, how to call and ask to sit here and how to tell to leave and how to fight with the “GADHA” and how to show blood on stage etc etc…

 I really don’t know what happened , I liked the screaming part as I knew they were doing that, for what reason . all the other parts I was just awful. How appalling could that be, being a mallu and don’t understand a line of the songs. Anyways I did had the courage to stay there till the end when bhim had the fight and finally took the small intestine out. 

I was eight when it got over and first thing I did was to drink water. 

for the interest of the environs

I was very proud myself as I believed that I doesn’t contribute much to the environment until one fine day I decided to calculate my carbon emissions. The result proved me completely wrong. I emit more carbon than the average Indian does. So I decided to change myself .

Well well by the way how can I change my habits. Ok start from simple things. Changed all the incandescent lights with cfls. I even used it for the one which lighted the front corner of the house, but in no time I have to find another bulb as its gone. Then I decided to cut off the lights which mom use to illuminate the house from the exterior. It was a big blow to my feng shui as it says that one should not leave any dark corners in your house. But I let my belief to go. But it helped me in recycling. Always keep the house clean replace all the faulty things and become more functional. That really worked, that’s what I thought.

I started reading the labels when ever I go shopping. And I tried to avoid aerosol sprays, but most of them says that they don’t use cfc to fill it up , I was a bit confused and took the decision not to use them at all.

But I realized that my house does not contribute that much than I do with my choices. I like to drive the car to go to any place. I feel ashamed as the elderly were walking early morning to go to temple and in return trip they do the daily purchases , I would never do that. I forget when I last took a bus in my town.

 I think that I doesn’t spend much on clothing and accessories. Really. I do make purchases when ever I feel like I need to change my wardrobe. if not in my town I would travel at least 300 kms to do just that, shopping.

so how bad can it get. How much I contribute without even knowing just because of this. Does it get compensated if I think that I will give my older ones in charity???

 How often I go out to eat, when I can straight away change that when I am trying hard to reduce my dimensions myself. Do I really want to change that?? 

We often go it temples far off just for the fulfillment of our religious mind, when we can do donations and poojas and offering online and by post. Do we ever get to get rid of that habit. Think how much more they might be contributing to fulfill our poojas. 

With it comes the fuel consumption,  needless to say how do it contribute to the emissions. We have the public transport but will I ever get into that??

 I have turned to be a vegetarian.  Has it done any good to my health. How much transport cost is included in a single meal of mine. Cant I grow my own vegetables??

 How much my garden contribute, ok lets leave it as its natural.

 How often I Google.  Cant I stick to balckle for a while as it claims its takes less to power a black screen.

 Well well if you ask about the economies of it I have to keep shut and keep all these in my widest dreams. So even if I am sticking to the basic minimal things I can do to soften the emissions its good.

 it's amazing how much difference a couple of minor changes will make.  But even writing this I didn’t want o write about the other choices with which I lead my life. 

Shoes outside please

 “Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them, and you have their shoes.”   

  

            Emm if you want to compliment a girl it has to be her shoes as I heard from the American president. Weird na  The president will think twice before commenting even if its for a compliment. Last December we saw the famous shoe throwing episode and Muntazar ali Zaidi become famous instantly. I was so amazed by the incident I wish I could have done that but no I don’t even do that even in my dreams.

 Two days back the Chinese got the taste of shoes too. so its become mandatory to check for weapons of mass destruction and the shoes which is indeed become a powerful weapon. bad luck for Bush that he went on for WMD and ended up with the so called disruptive weapon himself, when he caught Saddam  he should have searched his legs instead of the mouth  for WMD.  Now that Bush have learned where to search for what he is out of office. Hope his successor will search aptly.

Not everything is bad about the episode , Zaidi become famous so is the shoe and so is the company who made those shoes. The Bayden shoe company of Istanbul got orders for 300000 pair of the shoe model 271. amazing . so what will be their shoe commercial like.

If anyone wants that please order now. Its about $41.

In India we have the tradition of Kari theykkal and chappal mala. I saw that last for VS when he made derogatory comments on the commando family. The shoe is for the protection of the foot but how come it became the weapon to show contempt. Anyways the popularity of this weapon is increasing day by day. People will follow the Indian way to keep shoes outside. So the days of MF Hussain is here gone are the days when  he were thrown out for not wearing one. Today no one will bother, no shoe the better.

            Now it’s clear that “the shoe that fits one will pinch another”

courtesy The hindu business line 

Scribe hurls shoe at Chidambaram

Meera Mohanty
New Delhi, April 7 Mr P. Chidambaram, Home Minister, on Tuesday had the novel experience of a shoe being thrown at him as a sign of protest.
People are now wondering if this act means that India has caught up with a global trend of protest. Does this mean that we will be evolving from strikes to black bands, from eggs to shoes and from stones to Hawaai chappals?
The Home Minister was answering questions at a press conference in New Delhi when journalist Mr Jarnail Singh threw a sneaker at him. The journalist’s reaction followed the Minister’s reply to a question on the CBI clearing the involvement of two Congress veterans in the Sikh riots of 1984.
In recent times former US President Mr George Bush, Chinese Premier Mr Wen Jiabao and reportedly even Iran President Mr Mahmoud Ahmadinejad have been targets of such projectiles.
Mr Wen, who was addressing a meeting at Cambridge University when a shoe was hurled at him, called it a “despicable act”. “It cannot stand in the way of friendship between China and the UK,” he added.
Most of these shoe-throwers have failed to strike the bullseye, and Mr Jarnail Singh was no different. It is not sure, though, if he wanted to score. The journalist was sitting in front and yet managed to miss Mr Chidambaram.
To the Home Minister’s credit, he never took his eyes off the shoe flying towards him, just like a good batsman would.
Seemingly gracious in his forgiveness, the Minister said, “Take him away – gently, gently.”
This is different from the reaction of the UK’s former deputy Prime Minister, Mr John Prescott, when a farmer threw an egg at him in 2001. Mr Prescott had punched the farmer.
Shoes seem to be the new addition to the protest arsenal. In western tradition, pies and custards have been thrown at a host of famous people – from royalty to Prime Ministers to philosophers to violinists.
Green custard was thrown at Mr Peter Mandelson, the British Business Secretary, and the incident was captured for posterity by TV. Mr Michel Camdessus, the former IMF chief, had a fruit-and-cream pie thrown at him by Mr Robert Naiman, an anti-IMF, “50-Years-is-Enough” campaign activist in Bangkok.
Mr Milton Friedman, the high priest of free markets, also got “pied”, as did Mr Thomas Friedman (he ducked the plates of green whipped cream), Mr Bill Gates, Mr Jeffrey Skilling (the CEO of Enron) and the former WTO head, Mr Renato Ruggiero, in 1998.
Mr Chidambaram is clearly in illustrious company.

my eating habits

I was a bindas prolific artist when it come to masticate food. I wont say no to any kind of food and enjoyed ever y morsel of it. that clearly shows on me and I veryoften say that I dont remember the day when I was thin.
I love to eat and to feed others and there is nothing I enjoy like eating out. I cant say I am a good cook as I doesnt know to cook the simple sambar as it taste different each time. so is the case with Rasam. But I manage in both with the curry masala and coriander.

my eating habits have cahnged a lot from 2002. I want to become a vegan but dont know if possible or not. hopefully some day i can do that too as i have completely said NO to the EGGS, which was my fav.
I dont know what has changed in me other than age but i have turned to good food but just for myself i never advised anyone to take that in my family, as its not possible. I have said no to fish a long time back may be when i was seven eight but i took eggs to my twenties. one fine day i started eating chicken and some other stuff too and I ate loads of shrimp, the factory processed one for exporting and i really loved that.

so what kind of changes, well a hell lot , and I have learned to grow what i eat too. so no stagfaltion can affect me for a month. i eat most leafy stuff as in muringa and wheat and rice and spinach and everything which i get from my home garden. some times i feel like a cow but i the changes in my diet has not changed my shape so people wonder what i really eat.
I think its because I have taking a lot of protin in leguminous food to pump up my muscles.

I have pulled out airated drinks , meat, deep fry , cakes , sweet from my life. so life will be boring na. what shall i do now. but i cook all these for others. last time i cooked chicken and i didnt get the smell of it too , a bit strange na. no body believe me , but i dont want to believe it entirely as i take sweets of the traditionl kind with ghee and sugar and wont say no to chocolates.

i think i can pull off with my diet for some time too.

I forgot to write , I did offered the painting to the lord when my parents came to visit the LORD. It was quite a fulfilling moment.

ende kanna

            some time back when i was 15 i asked mom to get me the gita. i got one from guruvayoor. its a different sort as its of the iskon group in english and sanskrit. till date i havent read that completely but its done  great good for me. it had some interesting paintings of the lord one of which i was deeply inspired by. but i found it very tough to draw one. and when i was in guruvayoor i wanted to make an offering to the lord in the form of painting. 

i took the book and got the photocopy of one of the picture.  got the cloth canvas from the button shop and i had the paint with me. draw the outline and kept with me for sometime, as i did not had the courage to fill it up with color. 

so i waited and i finally got to meet swarna as i felt is god sent for me. she is from mumbai and had a interest in painting too.  i showed the drawing to her and she offered me help to fill up the foliage in the pict. i thanked god and her and i started off the paint in water color. its was tough as water on canvas was the first for me and i took some poster color to mix with as i know to use the tint of the water color not the shadeing part. 

and i finished up the painting doing day and night. As promised  swarna hepled me with her part too. and i did the finishing touches especially the shading part and all.  i had to put the u shaped mark in his forehead , i wanted it in white and she insisted it to  be in red , no guessing finally who won. 

and i showed it to all the gals for approval and most of them liked. myself content.  next thing was to get it framed and i found out one place to do that too. 

           guess what , who i met near the frame shop . it was our dear teacher Ms Mrinalini comming out from the hotel behind the shop. i didnt know what to do i had the painting and didnt wanted her to see as she approched i giggled off in my useal style. I felt that she was happy to meet me there and asked what i was doing and all and she caught me straight and took the pict from me , and and a  short pause she glanced trough and gave me the look. if ever u get to know her u will know what is she as the teacher. so no price for telling what happened. 

   

wondering what to write on about me next.  I think its time that you look back a bit and acknowledge the people and events that has happend in your life. so let me go trough the people who has helped me in being what i am today. other than my brother mom and dad. 

even though me and my brother is in two extremes at this point of life he has been the light of my life . ok let him go for a while.

 i was thinking of the people who has instilled the principles in life. well not all of them will be as important but i like to remember a few.  

 

This blog is from the yahoo 360 one. I need to make a bit of modification to it as today it’s a different time and situation. So I need to start with the spicy mail story to write on. but i dont have one today.

I wonder how my group members tackle me and my mails as its is very obviously I me myself in my mails. Projecting me as so superior being that I had a view on anything and everything and that too is not to be questioned. Hope fully some of them will be deleting when ever they see mine. This blog I wrote when I was waiting for some mail from the post man which I myself have forgotten by now.  

            So as I am waiting and waiting I thought of writing about my mail life. Oh what to write on about the mail. Mail is still a new word for me I am used to the post, and the postman and the post office and the post box and not mail. I don’t remember who has written the first letter to me. May be some greeting cards send by some friends from school for Christmas. I had even thought of buying some cards for myself and post to me. good idea na as the post office was two buildings away form my house. Not now that was some time ago as I was alone and waiting to receive some greetings on Christmas holidays. Thought wasn’t that bad I think, to keep myself happy (on a cost).

            I have written letters only to a few of my friends. The lucky ones were Raji my dear that’s how I greet , and Arathy and Shylaja. Few na but I used to write tons on nothing. But I got reply form only shylaja  and Raji dear. Shylaja and myself together from our school days and was seated next to me for two years of pre degree. Her mom calls her lali. But I never used that. She is a pretty girl with long curly hair and sweet voice. We both were nice to each other so when we departed we kept in touch through our mails. And Raji dear started writing to me when she got married and went off to London. That’s mails were really elaborate ones as we have to write tons and tons on ourselves. Me as usual would write some limericks on hindi in between the news. And needless to say these two were the people who appreciated my skills on dohas not as much as Kabir received but definitely never forgot to “thariff me” as in compliment. Arathy I used to write just to annoy her, once in a blue moon she responded in a bit of paper and posted to TKMCE, I doesn’t know how I got that.  To arathy it was more phone calls than mails.

            Now that I don’t write and post. I compose and mail. But unfortunately not that much response. All the technology won’t make you feel good even though everybody is only a click away. Why is that I don’t have to wonder because I myself do have  the “not responding to mail syndrome”.

            Do you know when was our mail system started in our good old India Raj. I have to research for that so not going to that. I heard of the “anchal oothakaran “ as they were called in those early days in Kerala from my mom. She had an uncle who is a mail man and has to go door to door  bare foot to deliver mail. He once put his foot on ash which was still burning inside and burned his whole feet and had to retire from that post as he was not able to run. It was really a hard job as he has to traverse through different kinds of terrains. There were cases when the Runners on duty were carried away by tigers, drowned in flooded rivers, bitten by venomous snakes, buried in avalanche or murdered by robbers and were plundered by highway robbers resulting in the loss of several lives. In the face of all these dangers, the Runners seldom shrunk from their responsibilities. Hope they had some sort of paramvir chakras.

Sir C.V. Raman - the great scientist and the Nobel Prize winner was initially a Postal Officer. One rare memory I had read somewhere. Another being the one of Tagore on the post office I am not sure of the story the kid in the story says that he wants to be the postman with the king and deliver mail from door to door. Something like that. Ok that was all history.

Today hearing of all sorts of stories on mail. The  Netherlands national post office began using a dairy company to carry packages to people’s doorsteps. I wonder if that is possible here as I haven’t seen any milk delivery in town an unlikely alliance for sure. One story of our postcard reminds me of the Doordarshn programme called surabhi which was hosted by the lady with a sparkling teeth Renuka,  the end of the program is the question which has to be answered through a post card and those people got to get millions of card every week.

Needless to mention of those who has suffered the most just because of the letters that they wrote to their secret ones. Heard of the Mahatma Gandhi letters in auction.  Just now I remembered the letters my mother got from her son when he got his first job and moved to Madras and then to Bangalore and To the US. She has a collection of those which do not resemble those written by Nehru and his daughter but I mention it as so. The best thing about those letters is that it just makes me proud of my command of Malayalam over his. He never messes up on paper no matter how many mistakes he makes the letters were like printed ones. And I had the rare opportunity to receive almost all the mails that he got from his female fans in and around Kollam. If I were a boy I would have made use of those.

            Last year I cleaned up all my paper stuff and moved it to my office room . mom had ordered me to get rid of my old stuff which were with me since 1980’s. definitely I need to clear all that. I felt very sad to read one of the card Biju had handed to me some time back and I never had opened it and read. As compensation I had promised him to give back something from the one he has given me with an extra something too. I really liked that gesture of his. Another surprise mail I received was from Das which I never thought that he will ever have me as a friend. He was the guy who was with me in our guruvayoor office.

               Some more people I have added to my distress healing mail list. That is when ever I feel down I would write to them as I don’t have the EGO problem with them. Shyam and anitha my class mates were on the top most list. And now I have added Reema and Venkit too. Reema was my room mate in Chennai and I feel like she will be there for me anytime even tough we never had such a close knit relation .venkit is new found man who is a jeweler in trivandrum which I have contact only trough mails and phone I never met him in person.

      

 

after a long long time i get to think for myself. i used to do in my restless days when i was suffering from sleeplessness. now i am not that sleepless but i need to cook stories to get to sleep. so what i do the best to romance with my thoughts. and woke up early too. i do have to think to write all that i cook. lets see..............

the title

I was wondering about the word tactiturn. is it a tactic of mine to be so. of course not, i think so. i had a feeling that i have changed from 2001. my dual persona has come to play a bigger role from that period. I dont know how to deal with it but its true began to  judge people in different ways and compatmetalize my people somehow for no reason. 

what was earlier me is out of question. I recently me one of my classmate Biji mol. I was excited to meet her but didnt had any inhibition for her. i actually felt verygood meeting her after such a long time but more of the fact that she remind me of myself. for once more I had the feeling that I havent cahnged at all.

so why do I think I have changed. may be its because of my thanhayi again of the inhibition of not meeting people in public. I always believd in one thing that all my life I get to meet people half of whom will like you and half wont like you and there will be loads of relatives who will be with you for no reason. so far I am quite happy about the people I met in life. 

to talk about my tacturnity what I was always was and is about my thoughts. for me what is me is what I think, how I think . 

so people in my life didnt had any direct influence on my thoughts. I never had to sulk on anyone. I never was the wannabe.  I never flirted with anyone.  I never questioned anyone . I never judged anyone. I treated the people I met in my life as equals.  I never could find a reason to frown on anyone.  I never took anyone for granted. i always gave the space and trust that everyone needed in the relationship. 

so why am I complaining today, if it is one. again I gone back to what I was . I should be concentrating on what i am today. 

 when you stop thinking the others will do it for you. they r the one who decide what i should become. whom i should be meeting. decide what i do in life and give accounts of every second of my life.  for a person like me its not that complicated to ignore such minds but for once there should be one weak moment when me too want to part my attitude. and its hurts when i gets impulsive and remember i never had a spat in my whole life. 

but today I just forget to forgive. i stopped practicing tolerance. i keep note on every move they make. ok forget it , i was just talking about the people who i have met in my life who dont like you.  that part will be there for the life so y worry unlil they are on you .

so i shoudent be saying the duality, its part of life. anyone had to deal with it as i am not used to it at all. anyways trying to  keep out the dirt of of the mind and keep the spirit going.

for not to change  think of the people who i love and who likes me. i am back to be myself and keep my taciturnity.  

Its the first of this kind

People call me as shy and reserved , am I so. I wanted to reserch on I me myself. so whats a better place to be . its will be me and may thanhai all along this blog.